I Am Naked

I'm naked.  I just bared it all.  Or so it feels, at least.  (Figuratively speaking, of course.  I'm at work and my clothes are fully in place, I promise.)

Anyway, since it's been a while, here's a brief update, before I share about absolute nakedness.  (And I keep saying "naked" because it's more fun than "vulnerable.")

I re-joined WW 13 weeks ago. I'm currently UP 6 lbs from when I rejoined.  Faboo!  I just can't get my head in the game on a consistent basis and I've been yo-yoing all over the place.

Because if I'm going to yo-yo, I might as well be badass about it.
Source: kirby.wikia.com

A few weeks after my WW re-debut, I made all these goals.  How am I doing with them?

• Beck Diet Solution - made it to Day 6 of 42.
• Lose 10 lbs in 6 weeks - gained 6 in 13.
• Complete C25K & Run The Color Run- ha, I never really made it past week 1, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about TCR

A few weeks after that, I fell off the face of the Earth.  Not really, obviously, but I've been wanting to write, have a couple of posts started, but could never find words. Here's what happened in a nutshell: During a conversation lovely fellow WW boardies about binge eating and compulsive eating, etc., I got fed up.  I visited OA.org, found there was a meeting in 10 min just a few blocks from my office, and I attended the meeting.  I felt like I definitely belonged there and I was finally going to deal with my issues.  Though I didn't say a word.  I admitted to my Mary Kay mentor that I was having these issues and finally addressed them and I thought it would help to deal with all the issues.  I'd magically no longer eat compulsively and be devoted and seriously dedicated to my business.

Not quite what happened.  I attended 2 more meetings in the next week, and then stopped.  Because I didn't feel like it.  But last week, I had a light bulb moment.  I was driving and chowing down on Cheez Its.  I pulled into my boyfriend's driveway and promptly stashed them in the backseat, lest he find out I was trying to eat a box of snack crackers right before we were to go out to dinner.  Well, that was a fail.  He smelled them immediately and tasted them on me when he kissed me.  (He thought they were Goldfish, but same thing really.)  Ate the box in 3 days.  I thought I could have a serving at a time, but I just kept shoving them in my mouth.  That's when I realized, "Ohhhhh!  THIS is what they mean by 'taking that first compulsive bite.'"  And I decided I should go back to meetings, but I'm waiting for the one I like on Friday.  Maybe I'll actually talk this time.

Now, here's the nakedness.  I had already told my boyfriend about OA and my binge eating, etc after my first meeting.  He had a very neutral response.  He didn't really get it, but I didn't really expect he would.  Other than my Mary Kay mentor and my boyfriend, I hadn't mentioned this to anyone.  I've held off on scheduling my physical, which I'm usually quite prompt with, because I dreaded going to my doctor and him seeing how much weight I gained.  But a recent swelling issue put me in his office last night.  He mentioned the rapid weight gain (I was 50-60 lbs lighter when I saw him last year), and I quickly started rambling.  I told him about the binge eating and that I'd joined OA and WW and was "working" on getting it off.  In the end, he addressed the issue for which I was there, and breezed over the weight since I "seemed to have that under control with the diet and WeightWatchers or whatver."  Phew!

But, in addressing the swelling issue, he decided to send me to the E.R. for an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any blood clots.  I called my mom on my way over, not because I wanted her there, but because she'd probably freak out if I didn't call her immediately and she found out later.  (Especially since her sister works at the hospital, was on duty when I was there, and I definitely contacted her.)  My mom's response falls somewhat into the category of I Told You So.  She basically revisited the conversation we had months ago where she tried to accuse my birth control of causing my weight gain (out of the blue, and quite a blow to my feelings, mind you), and then proceeded to project her medical history with birth control and blood clots onto me.  Naturally, I started spouting off and telling her (which I didn't when she brought up my weight months ago) that the weight gain was not caused by the change in birth control, but rather by my tendency to sit down on a regular basis and stuff my face with pizza and donuts to numb away the stress.  She actually seemed unfazed by this.  In fact, she tried to insist that it was still somehow related to the birth control.  Whatever.  The point is not how she reacted, but that I actually put that information out there to her.

And then today, I joined HealthyWage's 10% challenge.  I paid them $100, and challenged myself to lose 10% of my body weight in 6 months.  If I succeed, they will pay me $200.  Can't say there's anything wrong with that.  Especially since it averages out to less than 1 lb per week.  But, you get extra $$ if you refer people, so I shared it on Facebook for all the world (except my mother), to see.

I have bared myself in front of my doctor, my mother, and all my Facebook friends.  I feel... "naked."

C25K: Week 1, Day 1

I did it!

I've only been saying for, oh, forever that I was going to get up early and workout.  (Where early equals 5:15 am.)  And for, oh, forever, my morning has looked like this:

5:15 grumble as alarm goes off

5:20 cat's crying obnoxiously, get up and feed cats

5:22 climb back into bed and settle in for another hour of sleep, set new alarm for 6:30

6:30 phone alarm vibrates - hit snooze

6:40 snooze again

6:50 snooze "just one more time"

7:00 "Ugh, I'm so tired but I need to get ready for work!"

7:05-7:10 force self out of bed and into shower, end up late for work

Not anymore.  I started seeing a chiropractor about a week ago.  I've had only 3 adjustments so far, but immediately after my second, I noticed something that had previously seemed unfathomable: I woke up well-rested! Okay, so well-rested just once, that's fine.  But it continued.  It's now been 5 well-rested wake-ups in a row.  I'm utterly amazed.

And delighted, because it means when my alarm went off at 5:15 I was awake enough to actually stay out of bed.  So I completed Day 3 of The Beck Diet Solution and then I started Couch to 5K.  In case you're unfamiliar with C25K, the idea is to ease you into running by alternating walking and jogging, until you build up to the point where you can run for 30 minutes, or a 5K, straight.  I'm completely proud of myself for starting!  But I didn't quite fit in all the jogging.  My asthma started up a little bit (not awful, just a little wheezing) and I clearly didn't stretch enough.  I still did the jogging portions, just not necessarily for 1 full minute at a time, and I might have walked through some jogging sections all together.  But that's okay, I'll get there. Even if I need to repeat Week 1 next week.

Total time: 30 minutes

Distance: 1.78 miles

Pace: 16:39 min/mile

Calories burned: ~240 (I stated my HRM a little late)

Color Run, here I come!

Goals

Remember when you were a kid and Mom would make you a sandwich and whatever condiments were used ended up in a smiley face?

Yep, I just did that with my hand cream.  And I gotta say, it made me smile!

Anyway, moving to the topic at hand (ha, I'm punny today!): Goals.  I've got a few of them.  Have you ever heard of the SMART goal setting concept?  In short, the idea is that your goals should be:

Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Timley

And not to brag or anything, but I'm really awesome at setting goals.  In the past, I haven't been so awesome at actually achieving my goals.  Why?  This can be applied across the board, whether I'm talking about weight loss goals, fitness goals, or business goals: I am not consistent.

That changes right now.  I have some new fitness and weight loss goals.  I have a discovered a new book.  Or rather, I have finally picked up a book that has been recommended to me by various weight loss friends over the years.  The book is The Beck Diet Solution by Dr. Judith Beck.  Dr. Beck guides you through making the mental and emotional changes necessary to succeed at weight loss and weight maintenance. She does this by setting up a 6 week program of 42 daily tasks to help you change your behaviors and though patterns.  (Bonus: The book cover is hot pink!)  I will begin Day 1 tomorrow so it lines up with my Weight Watcher's week.

I've also decided I'm going to run The Color Run in NYC in August.  I can't remember the last time I ran.  Well, I can't remember the last time I ran and wasn't trying to catch a bus.  In order to train myself and get ready for the 5K, I will be starting Couch to 5K (C25K) on Monday.  It's a 9 week program, but they suggest repeating weeks if you find it necessary.  I hope to be able to complete it within 12 weeks.  The race is in 14 weeks.  Why The Color Run?  Because it seems like fun!  And I've found a couple local boardie friends who might team up with me.  I have no idea if I'll be a runner at the end of this, if I'll enjoy running and want to continue and do more races.  I might, but I might also say "Well, now I can say I've run a 5K."  This particular goal is more about knowing I can do it rather than creating a life-long habit or hobby.  If it turns out I hate running, I won't ever have to do it again after this August.

The Prodigal Weight Watcher Has Returned

Yep, that's right.  I have resumed my role as perpetual point-counter.

But I thought you didn't want to count points forever?   
I thought you were all about eating real foods?

Both of those still apply.  Here's what I realized:

1. I can eat real foods and still follow Weight Watchers.  (I know, this absolutely crazy, right?)
2. I don't have to count points forever.  I do have to count points for now.  Because I was enjoying all those real foods, but a little too much.  "I can eat it because it's food" became too common a phrase in my head.  Yes, I can eat it.  No, I can't eat all of it.  Counting points will help me keep those portion sizes in check until I learn to really listen to my hunger signals.  Not just acknowledge them, but actually hear them and respond appropriately.

Here's what happened:  I turned 28.  Really, that was the catalyst.  I just didn't want to go through another year of my life feeling sick, lacking energy, having inflamed joints, being chronically out of breath, and hating what I saw in the mirror.  So it was time for a serious conversation with myself.  It came down to this:

I keep saying I'm going to do x, y, and z.  I keep not doing neither x, nor y, nor z.  Something has got to change.  Maybe I really do need the help of Weight Watchers.  Something to give me more accountability.  But how will this time be different from the others?

How will this time be different than the others?  That really is the most important question.  I decided to rejoin meetings instead of doing it online.  But I didn't join just any meetings, as I have before.  I have a friend who is a Weight Watchers leader and I decided to join her meetings.

So on Saturday April 21st, after one final birthday celebration that resulted in just a bit too much booze, I dragged myself out of bed at 7:30 in the morning.  I got myself ready and, despite the fact that there's a Weight Watchers center within walking distance of my apartment, I drove half an hour so I could specifically attend M's meeting.

I weighed in at *gulp* 211.2 lbs.

This gives me a 5% goal of 200.2 lbs and a 10% goal of 190.2 lbs.
My healthy weight range is 113-141.  I think I'll aim for somewhere around 135, but I'm not sure yet.

As of my first weigh in this past Saturday (the 28th), I was down 2.6 lbs!  Color me excited!

Day 0/Birthday Eve

I spun out of control.  I went back to my bingey ways.  I decided I wanted pizza and doughnuts and thought to myself that it was a good night for a binge.

I'm not kidding.  I actually had that thought process.  Then I decided on Chinese.  So I was feeling satisfied but not over done by the Chinese.  And decided that I had to eat my two doughnuts anyway.  Two doughnuts.  So I ate the first and was s t u f f e d.  But I told myself I had to eat the second one anyway. 

And then I felt sick. I honestly thought I was about to explode.  So I sent myself to bed.  I awoke in the middle of the night feeling pretty awful.  Indigestion, maybe, I don't really know what that's supposed to feel like.  I couldn't get back to sleep, so at 2:41am, I turned on the TV and watched some sitcoms.  I finally fell back asleep, but at 5:30 when it was time to get up, I just couldn't.  But I couldn't sleep either.  I wanted to call out of work, but my boss is on vacation. 

I finally forced myself out of bed, but was pretty miserable until about 11am.  Maybe I can remember that next time I think about binging. 

What happened to bringing the Mediterranean lifestyle to NJ?   I don't know.  I did pretty well for a few days, and then ... I don't know.

I had someone explain the conscious versus subconscious mind to me once.  His explanation went something like this:
The conscious mind is where we are aware of our decisions.  The subconscious is where our habits live.  The subconscious is where we're comfortable.  The subconscious (and these are definitely my words, not his) are like the cliquey group of girls in middle school.  So you make a conscious decision to change a subconscious habit.  You feel proud of the action you took.  But the subconscious pushes back and says, "No, that's not comfortable.  We don't like that.  We do not accept this new action," because it doesn't fit with what's comfortable.

The only way to change those subconscious habits, though, is to continue to make those conscious decisions and take those actions, despite the discomfort.

He then explained the model of how when we sink back into our old habits we spiral into this pattern of guilt, anger, etc.  I couldn't see it when he described it to me, but I see it now.

I feel guilty about those choices.    I feel angry and almost disgusted that I have let myself do this to my body, and that no matter how many times I decide to make a change, the old habits creep back in.  I looked back at my first post and realized, as of this past Monday, I am actually 12 lbs heavier than when I started this journey. 

This is not acceptable.

But it's okay.  Because it doesn't matter how many times you fall.  It only matters how many times you get back up.

So today, April 11, 2012, I am getting back up.  I am counting my binge-free days starting today.  Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 28.  And I refuse to let 28 go the way of 27.  It's time for changes.  Watch out, subconscious! 28 is the year of congruence.  And as a permanent reminder of that, I have decided to get the congruence symbol tattooed on my wrist.  This will be happening in hopefully 2 weeks. 

Last night I fell.  Today I'm standing tall.

Day 3 - Getting easier

Day 3 went better.   My boyfriend requested Shake & Bake pork chops.  I told him I'd do it, but it would be homemade "shake & bake."  I found a recipe to replicate S&B mix, and in my opinion, it came out great.  Ready for leftovers tonight!

I also finally remembered the Sweet Tooth Test:
Mix 1: 1
Mix 2: 6
Mix 3: 10 (nearly intolerable)
Mix 4: X (intolerable)
And the sugar hadn't even completely dissolved int he cups!

Here's what I ate:

Breakfast - bagel w/ cream cheese, orange juice (too much!), coffee w/ 1/2 packet sugar and splash whole milk

Lunch - salad made with mixed greens, tomatoes, carrots, cucumber, grapes, kidney beans, grilled chicken, feta cheese, with summer berry dressing, and a piece of sourdough bread, banana

Snack - almonds, latte

Dinner - a few pieces of cheese and crackers, Caesar salad, breaded pork chops with garlic mashed potatoes and corn, a few spoonfuls of vanilla bean ice cream

Day 2 - still plugging along

Day 2 was okay...again until the evening.  I had a real dinner, but forgot to make veggies to go along with it.  Oops.  I do need to start incorporating more vegetables into my day.  But then after dinner, I had a little dessert.  Then I was satisfied.  Then I took out the container of pudding, and just ate the rest.  It was a 6 serving container.  Double oops!  But I did walk 1 mile from the office to the bus station.  It was too cold and windy to make the walk in the morning, so I just did it in the evening.

Oh, and I forgot to do the sweet tooth test, again!  Tonight, I promise!

Here's what I ate:

Breakfast: Greek yogurt with a spoonful of fruit preserves and a couple handfuls of Kashi Island Vanilla shredded wheat biscuits, banana, coffee with 1/2 packet sugar and splash of whole milk

Lunch: 1/2 ham & swiss sandwich on brioche, small spinach, artichoke, cheddar soup, fruit salad

Dinner:  started with 6 mozzarella balls and 4 olives, then: onion crusted honey mustard chicken, mac & cheese (homemade, but included "fake" cheese), way too much chocolate rice pudding