I spun out of control. I went back to my bingey ways. I decided I wanted pizza and doughnuts and thought to myself that it was a good night for a binge.
I'm not kidding. I actually had that thought process. Then I decided on Chinese. So I was feeling satisfied but not over done by the Chinese. And decided that I had to eat my two doughnuts anyway. Two doughnuts. So I ate the first and was s t u f f e d. But I told myself I had to eat the second one anyway.
And then I felt sick. I honestly thought I was about to explode. So I sent myself to bed. I awoke in the middle of the night feeling pretty awful. Indigestion, maybe, I don't really know what that's supposed to feel like. I couldn't get back to sleep, so at 2:41am, I turned on the TV and watched some sitcoms. I finally fell back asleep, but at 5:30 when it was time to get up, I just couldn't. But I couldn't sleep either. I wanted to call out of work, but my boss is on vacation.
I finally forced myself out of bed, but was pretty miserable until about 11am. Maybe I can remember that next time I think about binging.
What happened to bringing the Mediterranean lifestyle to NJ? I don't know. I did pretty well for a few days, and then ... I don't know.
I had someone explain the conscious versus subconscious mind to me once. His explanation went something like this:
The conscious mind is where we are aware of our decisions. The subconscious is where our habits live. The subconscious is where we're comfortable. The subconscious (and these are definitely my words, not his) are like the cliquey group of girls in middle school. So you make a conscious decision to change a subconscious habit. You feel proud of the action you took. But the subconscious pushes back and says, "No, that's not comfortable. We don't like that. We do not accept this new action," because it doesn't fit with what's comfortable.
The only way to change those subconscious habits, though, is to continue to make those conscious decisions and take those actions, despite the discomfort.
He then explained the model of how when we sink back into our old habits we spiral into this pattern of guilt, anger, etc. I couldn't see it when he described it to me, but I see it now.
I feel guilty about those choices. I feel angry and almost disgusted that I have let myself do this to my body, and that no matter how many times I decide to make a change, the old habits creep back in. I looked back at my first post and realized, as of this past Monday, I am actually 12 lbs heavier than when I started this journey.
This is not acceptable.
But it's okay. Because it doesn't matter how many times you fall. It only matters how many times you get back up.
So today, April 11, 2012, I am getting back up. I am counting my binge-free days starting today. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 28. And I refuse to let 28 go the way of 27. It's time for changes. Watch out, subconscious! 28 is the year of congruence. And as a permanent reminder of that, I have decided to get the congruence symbol tattooed on my wrist. This will be happening in hopefully 2 weeks.
Last night I fell. Today I'm standing tall.