Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I'm Good Enough, Right?

Whew! I've finally found sometime to compose my thoughts.  It's been a busy few weeks.  I've missed tending to my blogs.  (I also need to get to work doing something worth posting over at Passion & Zest...I've got some recipe ideas in the works, just need to find the time to make them.)

Anyway, I had a mini epiphany.  I was watching ABC's Body of Proof a few weeks ago (that's how long I've been trying to get around to posting this!) and was struck by one of the characters.  Side note: I love this show.  I've been watching since the beginning.  This particular character has never "wowed" me, until this episode.  This character, Curtis, is an overweight gentleman who decides to go on a diet.  (Oh, man, I hate that word!) There were a few lunchtime scenes where he was eating...well, rabbit food: hard boiled egg, celery, carrots, nothing especially amazing, everything you might think of when you think of a diet

This broccoli floret will make an excellent lunch!Source: http://worldresources.tripod.com/image-metabolism/11.istock_photo_of_broccoli_on_plate.jpg

Curtis also exhibits all the usual symptoms of a rabbit-food-dieter:
  1. He's super cranky and mean.
  2. He gets even crankier and meaner when friends try to eat "regular" food around him.

Now that you've got the idea of Curtis's diet, let's fast forward.  Toward the end of the episode, his friend and co-worker, Ethan, walks in on him in the break room about to completely devour a GIANT piece of chocolate cake.  (I wish I could find this clip.  It's way more powerful to actually watch it.)  Ethan, being completely supportive of Curtis's weight loss efforts, asks his friend what's wrong.  Earlier in the episode you see a few interactions between Curtis and his boss, all of which left Curtis a bit self-conscious.  When Ethan walks in and asks him what's wrong, Curtis's response is:

"I'm not good enough."

I'm fairly certain that Ethan said something to cheer up Curtis, because that's the way these shows go.  (Even though I'm making this sound much more trite than it actually was.)  But, really, I don't remember what Ethan said after this.  I got hung up on Curtis's words and that giant piece of cake.

It made me wonder when exactly my binging had gotten out of control.  It was around the summer.  So I thought "What else changed this summer?"  Oh, right, I got a promotion.  A super duper, fancy pants promotion.  The exact promotion that I had pretty much envisioned myself getting at exactly this point in my career.  And I was completely excited about it!  At first.

And then I grew nervous.  Two out of three of my predecessors (all of whom I'd worked with over my 18 months in my previous position) had less than stellar track records, vacating the position for various reasons around the 3 month mark.  

*Gulp.*  Logically, I knew I had some advantages they didn't.  I kept telling myself I would just chug along and I'd figure things out, I had support from my boss and the one predecessor that was still here.  And my boss tells me all the time when I'm doing a good job.  But she also makes it known when expectations are not met.  And I guess I get hung up on those times, and question myself.  Enter that twisted mental visitor: Self Doubt.

Am I good enough?  Do I really deserve this?  Am I doing things well enough?  

To that, let's add the fact that I'm trying to propel my side business.  Things were going awesome before my promotion, and then I decided to not work as much while I was getting settled into the new job.  And then there were ups and downs (which happen and are totally normal, but Self Doubt forgets that).  And then there were late nights at the office, major fatigue, the feeling that I was doing too much of one thing and not enough of the other, and taking SIX DAMN MONTHS to figure this all out.

No wonder I had such a bingetastic summer.

And fall.

But here's the important part: I've figured it out.   I'm not completely dealing with my emotions, but I'm not eating them either.  I haven't binged in 60 days.   


Seriously.  That's an amazing accomplishment.  Now it's time to deal with the actual feelings.  

Am I good enough?  Yes, of course!

Am I doing enough?  I'm doing too much and not enough, at the same time.  This is where I end up in a spiral.  And while I haven't eaten my feelings, I've been doing other things that are counterproductive to my goals.  I need to find balance.  

So here we go.  

Phase 1: Stop emotionally overeating.  check.
Phase 2: Find balance.  let's get this one on the road!