Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I Am Naked

I'm naked.  I just bared it all.  Or so it feels, at least.  (Figuratively speaking, of course.  I'm at work and my clothes are fully in place, I promise.)

Anyway, since it's been a while, here's a brief update, before I share about absolute nakedness.  (And I keep saying "naked" because it's more fun than "vulnerable.")

I re-joined WW 13 weeks ago. I'm currently UP 6 lbs from when I rejoined.  Faboo!  I just can't get my head in the game on a consistent basis and I've been yo-yoing all over the place.

Because if I'm going to yo-yo, I might as well be badass about it.

A few weeks after my WW re-debut, I made all these goals.  How am I doing with them?
  • Beck Diet Solution - made it to Day 6 of 42.
  • Lose 10 lbs in 6 weeks - gained 6 in 13.
  • Complete C25K & Run The Color Run- ha, I never really made it past week 1, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about TCR

A few weeks after that, I fell off the face of the Earth.  Not really, obviously, but I've been wanting to write, have a couple of posts started, but could never find words. Here's what happened in a nutshell: During a conversation lovely fellow WW boardies about binge eating and compulsive eating, etc., I got fed up.  I visited, found there was a meeting in 10 min just a few blocks from my office, and I attended the meeting.  I felt like I definitely belonged there and I was finally going to deal with my issues.  Though I didn't say a word.  I admitted to my Mary Kay mentor that I was having these issues and finally addressed them and I thought it would help to deal with all the issues.  I'd magically no longer eat compulsively and be devoted and seriously dedicated to my business.

Not quite what happened.  I attended 2 more meetings in the next week, and then stopped.  Because I didn't feel like it.  But last week, I had a light bulb moment.  I was driving and chowing down on Cheez Its.  I pulled into my boyfriend's driveway and promptly stashed them in the backseat, lest he find out I was trying to eat a box of snack crackers right before we were to go out to dinner.  Well, that was a fail.  He smelled them immediately and tasted them on me when he kissed me.  (He thought they were Goldfish, but same thing really.)  Ate the box in 3 days.  I thought I could have a serving at a time, but I just kept shoving them in my mouth.  That's when I realized, "Ohhhhh!  THIS is what they mean by 'taking that first compulsive bite.'"  And I decided I should go back to meetings, but I'm waiting for the one I like on Friday.  Maybe I'll actually talk this time.

Now, here's the nakedness.  I had already told my boyfriend about OA and my binge eating, etc after my first meeting.  He had a very neutral response.  He didn't really get it, but I didn't really expect he would.  Other than my Mary Kay mentor and my boyfriend, I hadn't mentioned this to anyone.  I've held off on scheduling my physical, which I'm usually quite prompt with, because I dreaded going to my doctor and him seeing how much weight I gained.  But a recent swelling issue put me in his office last night.  He mentioned the rapid weight gain (I was 50-60 lbs lighter when I saw him last year), and I quickly started rambling.  I told him about the binge eating and that I'd joined OA and WW and was "working" on getting it off.  In the end, he addressed the issue for which I was there, and breezed over the weight since I "seemed to have that under control with the diet and WeightWatchers or whatver."  Phew!

But, in addressing the swelling issue, he decided to send me to the E.R. for an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any blood clots.  I called my mom on my way over, not because I wanted her there, but because she'd probably freak out if I didn't call her immediately and she found out later.  (Especially since her sister works at the hospital, was on duty when I was there, and I definitely contacted her.)  My mom's response falls somewhat into the category of I Told You So.  She basically revisited the conversation we had months ago where she tried to accuse my birth control of causing my weight gain (out of the blue, and quite a blow to my feelings, mind you), and then proceeded to project her medical history with birth control and blood clots onto me.  Naturally, I started spouting off and telling her (which I didn't when she brought up my weight months ago) that the weight gain was not caused by the change in birth control, but rather by my tendency to sit down on a regular basis and stuff my face with pizza and donuts to numb away the stress.  She actually seemed unfazed by this.  In fact, she tried to insist that it was still somehow related to the birth control.  Whatever.  The point is not how she reacted, but that I actually put that information out there to her.

And then today, I joined HealthyWage's 10% challenge.  I paid them $100, and challenged myself to lose 10% of my body weight in 6 months.  If I succeed, they will pay me $200.  Can't say there's anything wrong with that.  Especially since it averages out to less than 1 lb per week.  But, you get extra $$ if you refer people, so I shared it on Facebook for all the world (except my mother), to see.

I have bared myself in front of my doctor, my mother, and all my Facebook friends.  I feel... "naked."