I Want to Care

It pains me to admit this: I have fallen back into old ways.  It's weird how it sneaks up on you (or on me, at least).  It starts small and I don't even notice it, until one day I'm almost in tears while being completely ragey that the lady at Burger King messed up my order, and the next day I have to go back to get the right food, but to a different location, lest the first lady realize I'm a super secret compulsive binge eater.


That's right, I've said it.  I've fallen back into my secret, compulsive, binge eating ways.  The new culprit: Fast Food.  I've been getting some sort of fast food two to three times a week for the past month.  It's gross. But it's sooooo delicious.  And the more I have it, the more I crave it.

When I realized that, it was a lightbulb moment.  I'm a strong believer in the Law of Attraction.  You know, what you think about, you bring about.  The idea that the more you focus on something, the more of that something you bring into your life.

And as I was walking to Port Authority yesterday (I may or may not have been gobbling down a Mr. Softee cone at the time), I had this thought: What if you think about that a different way?  Apply it to your body.  If thinking about something manifests more of that in your life, would feeding your body something just make your body want that something even more?  Hmm... (I won't even go into the depths of the fact that I keep focusing on needing to lose weight, and so I'm probably just attracting more weight problems.)

With that premise, I eat some fried chicken and french fries, and I just want more.  It seems totally logical, because that's what's happening.  I find myself in this completely dysfunctional relationship with food, again.  Specifically with fast food, but this could also apply to candy, junk food, desserts, etc.  I was listening to one of my new favorite songs, One More Night by Maroon 5.  I'd kept listening and relating it to my friend's rocky relationship with his semi-ex-girlfriend.  But yesterday it clicked, that's the way I relate to food!  

But baby there you again, there you again making me love you
Yeah I stopped using my head, using my head let it all go
Got you stuck on my body, on my body like a tattoo
And now i'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid crawling back to you
So I cross my heart, and I hope to die, that I'll only stay with you one more night
And I know I said it a million times
But i'll only stay with you one more night

Trying to tell you no, but my body keeps on telling you yes
Trying to tell you stop, but your lipstick got me so out of breath
I'd be waking up, in the morning probably hating myself
And i'd be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell

I mean, maybe that part about the lipstick doesn't really apply, but as for the rest of it, it's spot on.

The thing is, I don't want to stop.  I mean, I don't want to suffer the consequences of continuing, but I don't really want to stop.  I semi-enjoy the food bender I've been on.  Why can't I just continue eating whatever I want?  Oh, because I don't want to gain any more weight.  I had maintained between 165-170 (which is still overweight on my 5'3" frame) for so long eating whatever I wanted that I thought it was my body's "happy weight" and I wouldn't gain any more.  And then I got to 185.  And 195.  And now I'm at 211.  Not coincidentally, this is the same weight as when I rejoined Weight Watchers in April.  I've been attending my meetings regularly, but I haven't been really following the program at all.  Of course not.  How can you stay within points when you're eating garbage all.the.time?

The fact that I don't want to stop scares the fuck out of me.  Seriously.  Because I don't want to gain any more weight.  I really don't.  Where would it even go??? 

 I guess it comes down to this: I just need to stop.  Stop making excuses.  Stop justifying.  Stop saying tomorrow. Stop stuffing my face with fried chicken, apple pie, and peanut butter Snickers.  And perhaps start going to OA again.  All I know is I can't keep doing what I am currently doing, because all it is bringing about is more problems.  It's time to focus on the solution.


And just for funsies, this is me this morning.  Weight: 211, BMI: 37.4   I guess we'll call this the new before picture. (Please excuse the messy, unmade bed in the background.)