I'm in a challenge this month with some friends on the WW boards. There's no specific goal. Everyone creates their own personal goal(s) for the month. We check in with each other for accountability. My goal was to be binge free for all of December. I wholly believe this is one of the reasons I have not binged in nearly a month.
I started counting my binge free days after Thanksgiving, so I had a head start on December. For the time being, I'm defining binge free as not giving in to the urge to eat excessively due to non-hunger feelings or emotions. So there have been times I've eaten too much, but any time that I've felt the nagging desire to stuff my face to ease stress or the magnetic pull of my kitchen when I need comforting, I've not given in. If I was actually hungry, I made a food plan, got just that, and stuck to it. If I was not hungry, I stayed away from the food altogether.
It would go something like this: I'd have a pretty normal day, but somewhere after 5, fatigue and apathy would set in. (Alternatively, I'd have a rough day, and feel a lot of stress.) I would get home and be compelled to either go to the grocery store and stock up on frozen pizza, or go to my kitchen and bake up a batch of cookies, or just clean out the leftovers (by disposing of them in my belly). The voice in my head that was nudging me toward binging was loud. Really, really loud. It was difficult to hear any other thoughts, but somehow another voice broke through. It was the collective voice of my boardie challengers who have been cheering me on and telling me how awesome I'm doing at remaining binge free. And it would make me think about having to reset my count to 0, and how I am completely unwilling to do that. And the only way to do that is to ignore the loud, obnoxious devil on my shoulder that's driving me to binge point. Somehow, it's worked. I think about having to report back that I cracked, and I don't want to do it. So I stay on the couch, or I go to sleep, or a find something interesting on TV to watch or start playing games online. (Ironically, my recent game of choice has been Let's Get Cooking...so I avoid binging by fake cooking.)
The other day, I reported to my lovely boardies that I was 20-some-odd days binge free. After some quick math calculations, I realized that Day 30 will be Christmas Eve. When I wake up Christmas morning, I will have a full 30 days, ONE WHOLE MONTH, of being binge free under my belt. No offense to anyone who's ever given me a Christmas gift, but this by far takes the cake (what an awful expression for this occassion!) for the Best.Christmas.Gift.EVERRRR!!!
Thanks, Boardies, for keeping me in line. ♥
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Shall we catch up?
Hello friends, it has been a while since we chatted.
I do sincerely apologize for neglecting this blog for the past couple weeks. I can make a bunch of excuses, but I'm sure you've heard them all in a bunch of different places. So let me just say, I've been meaning to write, and I'm finally making time to catch up!
I have not been keeping up with my reading. I've been finding myself with little time for anything other than work, the boyfriend, more work, and sleep. I fall asleep about a half a sentence into any reading whenever I'm overtired, so I haven't even attempted to pick up Overcoming Overeating... lately.
However, something spectacular has happened! As of today, December 20, 2011, I am TWENTY FIVE days binge free! I was super excited last Friday when I hit the 21 days mark. Because it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. And though it hasn't been an easy (almost) month, I have no binged. I have not been perfect, and I may have eaten a little too much at a party here or there, and I have definitely not been eating the best for me foods, but I have not binged. Any time I've gotten into that mentality of "Ohmygod-I-just-want-to-stuff-my-face-full-of-delicious-foods-so-I-don't-have-to-feel-these-feelings," I have done something other than eat.
I almost binged last Tuesday. The day started off okay, but toward the end of the day I was tired and feeling very stressed out. (Though I don't remember any specific events leading up to or causing the stress.) As I've mentioned before, Tuesdays are one of my most likely days to binge, so it was no surprise that I was getting this urge. Oh, yes, now I remember. I was having a hardcore pity party for 1 because I had worked for 9 days straight with no days off. I was tired. The kind of tired you feel all over your body. The kind of tired that paralyzes you from even making it to your bed. The kind of tired for which food is the clear solution. (Please read that with all the sarcasm with which it was intended.) I was talking with WW boardie friends and told them I was 18 days binge-free, but I was struggling. And I didn't want to break my streak, but I was just oh-so-woe-is-me-tired. So I made a plan for dinner. I stuck to my plan, but even then wanted to continue to stuff my face. Pizza, ice cream, cookies... let's be real, I was too tired to make cookies or pizza. The most likely option was a gallon of ice cream washed down with leftover soup and leftover Chinese takeout steamed white rice. Not even fun foods! But, I'd stuck to my plan, so I just didn't let myself get off my couch and back into the kitchen. The last thing I remember was having something on the TV, noticing the time as 9:11, and then waking up an hour later. I should have gotten up, changed my clothes, and gone to bed. But I was too tired to move. So I slept on my couch until midnight or so before finally making it to bed. Sleep is much better solution for physical exhaustion than food! And that's how I made it to day 19.
So, here I am, a week later. I'm 25 days binge free. Tomorrow will be 26. I've got plans for my week and they include eating reasonable dinners, and then doing things that don't involve food. I'm really excited that I'm almost 1 full month without binging. This hasn't happened since the summer, if not earlier.
I do sincerely apologize for neglecting this blog for the past couple weeks. I can make a bunch of excuses, but I'm sure you've heard them all in a bunch of different places. So let me just say, I've been meaning to write, and I'm finally making time to catch up!
I have not been keeping up with my reading. I've been finding myself with little time for anything other than work, the boyfriend, more work, and sleep. I fall asleep about a half a sentence into any reading whenever I'm overtired, so I haven't even attempted to pick up Overcoming Overeating... lately.
However, something spectacular has happened! As of today, December 20, 2011, I am TWENTY FIVE days binge free! I was super excited last Friday when I hit the 21 days mark. Because it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. And though it hasn't been an easy (almost) month, I have no binged. I have not been perfect, and I may have eaten a little too much at a party here or there, and I have definitely not been eating the best for me foods, but I have not binged. Any time I've gotten into that mentality of "Ohmygod-I-just-want-to-stuff-my-face-full-of-delicious-foods-so-I-don't-have-to-feel-these-feelings," I have done something other than eat.
I almost binged last Tuesday. The day started off okay, but toward the end of the day I was tired and feeling very stressed out. (Though I don't remember any specific events leading up to or causing the stress.) As I've mentioned before, Tuesdays are one of my most likely days to binge, so it was no surprise that I was getting this urge. Oh, yes, now I remember. I was having a hardcore pity party for 1 because I had worked for 9 days straight with no days off. I was tired. The kind of tired you feel all over your body. The kind of tired that paralyzes you from even making it to your bed. The kind of tired for which food is the clear solution. (Please read that with all the sarcasm with which it was intended.) I was talking with WW boardie friends and told them I was 18 days binge-free, but I was struggling. And I didn't want to break my streak, but I was just oh-so-woe-is-me-tired. So I made a plan for dinner. I stuck to my plan, but even then wanted to continue to stuff my face. Pizza, ice cream, cookies... let's be real, I was too tired to make cookies or pizza. The most likely option was a gallon of ice cream washed down with leftover soup and leftover Chinese takeout steamed white rice. Not even fun foods! But, I'd stuck to my plan, so I just didn't let myself get off my couch and back into the kitchen. The last thing I remember was having something on the TV, noticing the time as 9:11, and then waking up an hour later. I should have gotten up, changed my clothes, and gone to bed. But I was too tired to move. So I slept on my couch until midnight or so before finally making it to bed. Sleep is much better solution for physical exhaustion than food! And that's how I made it to day 19.
So, here I am, a week later. I'm 25 days binge free. Tomorrow will be 26. I've got plans for my week and they include eating reasonable dinners, and then doing things that don't involve food. I'm really excited that I'm almost 1 full month without binging. This hasn't happened since the summer, if not earlier.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Return of the Bingey Monster
Remember how I posted a few hours ago that I was a full week without binging?
Well, now I'm sitting at work. The clock has been moving backwards for the past 2 hours. I'm bored and angsty. I just want to run out of here and get home. But I'm also hungry, so I want to eat, but I don't want to binge. This requires a very strategic move. I need to make sure I enter Port Authority at 42nd St or 40th St (not 41st St) so that I avoid the flavorful aromas wafting my way from the Auntie Anne's stand. I then need to walk to the left and avoid the delicious scents floating out of Cinnabon and Mrs. Fields. Once I get on the bus, I'll be okay. Then I can have a handful of almonds before the boyfriend comes over for dinner. Or I can stop for a latte to take the edge off so I'm less prone to find myself in any of those stores.
What's the point of this post? Only to make it public that I am not going to stop for a sugary pretzel, sweet, sweet cookie, or a gigantic bun of sugar and cinnamon glaze. I will be 8 days binge free tomorrow.
Well, now I'm sitting at work. The clock has been moving backwards for the past 2 hours. I'm bored and angsty. I just want to run out of here and get home. But I'm also hungry, so I want to eat, but I don't want to binge. This requires a very strategic move. I need to make sure I enter Port Authority at 42nd St or 40th St (not 41st St) so that I avoid the flavorful aromas wafting my way from the Auntie Anne's stand. I then need to walk to the left and avoid the delicious scents floating out of Cinnabon and Mrs. Fields. Once I get on the bus, I'll be okay. Then I can have a handful of almonds before the boyfriend comes over for dinner. Or I can stop for a latte to take the edge off so I'm less prone to find myself in any of those stores.
What's the point of this post? Only to make it public that I am not going to stop for a sugary pretzel, sweet, sweet cookie, or a gigantic bun of sugar and cinnamon glaze. I will be 8 days binge free tomorrow.
A Full Week
It's been a full week, a whole seven days, since my last binge.
I lost 2.6 lbs this week.
I'm feeling confident that I can continue to eat to satisfaction and not stuff myself silly.
December is full of challenges, but I'll tackle them as they come. I mean, really, life in general is full of challenges, so one must always be mentally prepared to handle them.
I lost 2.6 lbs this week.
I'm feeling confident that I can continue to eat to satisfaction and not stuff myself silly.
December is full of challenges, but I'll tackle them as they come. I mean, really, life in general is full of challenges, so one must always be mentally prepared to handle them.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Why Do You Binge?
Chapter 3 is about exploring the reasons why you binge.
But first, do you remember how I rarely binge on Mondays? Well, as of yesterday (Monday) morning, I was 7 days (one full week!) binge-free! As of this morning, I'm restarting my count. whomp whomp
So, why did I binge last night? I can't really figure out the deep down root cause. I can tell you I felt tired and empty. Mostly empty. The real problem is, I don't know why I feel empty. I honestly, truly love my life. There are a few things I would change, but I'm working on those. And, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why I get this instinctive urge of "must stuff big black emotional hole with fatty fried foods and sweets."
Which brings me back to the idea of going to therapy. In finding a new therapist, I had to make a couple of decisions. First and foremost, should I find someone near work or near home? I decided on near work, because it's easier for me to take a long lunch or go immediately after work, than have to worry about making sure I get out of work at a certain time and if traffic is going to allow me to make evening hours for someone near home. I popped over to my insurance carrier's website, got lists of people who are super close to work, and started calling. One wasn't accepting new clients, one didn't call me back, and one just plain sounded scary. Do I keep looking for a new one? Go back to my old one? (I liked her, just wasn't sure I wanted to delve into this with her. I was looking for someone who specialized more in food addiction and eating disorders.) I'm back at Square One, and not really sure how to proceed just yet.
Back to the book. In Chapter 3, Ms. Morrone suggests some reason why one might binge:
I certainly eat out of boredom. Does that make sense? No! If I'm bored, maybe I should exercise. Or read. Or watch tv. Or play a game, call a friend, do some work. Basically, there are many things that cure boredom. Eating shouldn't be in that list. Same for stress relief. When I gained weight in college, and then again in 2007, I pretty much decided I was a stress eater. Again, there are so many things I can do to relieve stress that do not involve eating. Hmm... The first thing that pops into mind...exercise. I sense a recurring theme. Other stress relievers: sleep, bubble bath, journaling. I never realized that instant gratification could be a cause of binging, but now I realize that it definitely can be. Not as often as some of the other reasons, but it definitely happens. Mostly it goes like this: Oh, potato chips, that sounds good. Mmm...potato chips arrrre good. I'll just have a few. *crunch crunch* Wait...did I eat that whole bag?
The other three, to feel in control, as a tranquilizer, and because of anger or depression, all go hand-in-hand as far as I'm concerned. Though never officially diagnosed, I do believe I've suffered from depression, and can name a few periods of time where it was pretty bad. And I ate and put on lots of weight during those times. And even if we go back to the beginning of this post, it's clear that this latest binge was caused by a need to sedate myself and feel in control of something, anything.
Where do I go from here? I think it's time to make a list of the reasons I binge and the things I could do instead of eat. That might be a good starting point, ya know, if I remember to refer to it.
Update 11/29/11: I ended up in full-on out-of-control binge mode thru Thanksgiving. It wasn't pretty. But Friday I pressed the rest button and am now 5 days binge free! Oh, and the list of non-eating things to do is complete.
But first, do you remember how I rarely binge on Mondays? Well, as of yesterday (Monday) morning, I was 7 days (one full week!) binge-free! As of this morning, I'm restarting my count. whomp whomp
So, why did I binge last night? I can't really figure out the deep down root cause. I can tell you I felt tired and empty. Mostly empty. The real problem is, I don't know why I feel empty. I honestly, truly love my life. There are a few things I would change, but I'm working on those. And, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why I get this instinctive urge of "must stuff big black emotional hole with fatty fried foods and sweets."
Which brings me back to the idea of going to therapy. In finding a new therapist, I had to make a couple of decisions. First and foremost, should I find someone near work or near home? I decided on near work, because it's easier for me to take a long lunch or go immediately after work, than have to worry about making sure I get out of work at a certain time and if traffic is going to allow me to make evening hours for someone near home. I popped over to my insurance carrier's website, got lists of people who are super close to work, and started calling. One wasn't accepting new clients, one didn't call me back, and one just plain sounded scary. Do I keep looking for a new one? Go back to my old one? (I liked her, just wasn't sure I wanted to delve into this with her. I was looking for someone who specialized more in food addiction and eating disorders.) I'm back at Square One, and not really sure how to proceed just yet.
Back to the book. In Chapter 3, Ms. Morrone suggests some reason why one might binge:
- Boredom
- Instant gratification
- To feel in control
- As a tranquilzier
- Procrastination
- Stress relief
- Anger or depression
- Protection from sexual intimacy
I certainly eat out of boredom. Does that make sense? No! If I'm bored, maybe I should exercise. Or read. Or watch tv. Or play a game, call a friend, do some work. Basically, there are many things that cure boredom. Eating shouldn't be in that list. Same for stress relief. When I gained weight in college, and then again in 2007, I pretty much decided I was a stress eater. Again, there are so many things I can do to relieve stress that do not involve eating. Hmm... The first thing that pops into mind...exercise. I sense a recurring theme. Other stress relievers: sleep, bubble bath, journaling. I never realized that instant gratification could be a cause of binging, but now I realize that it definitely can be. Not as often as some of the other reasons, but it definitely happens. Mostly it goes like this: Oh, potato chips, that sounds good. Mmm...potato chips arrrre good. I'll just have a few. *crunch crunch* Wait...did I eat that whole bag?
The other three, to feel in control, as a tranquilizer, and because of anger or depression, all go hand-in-hand as far as I'm concerned. Though never officially diagnosed, I do believe I've suffered from depression, and can name a few periods of time where it was pretty bad. And I ate and put on lots of weight during those times. And even if we go back to the beginning of this post, it's clear that this latest binge was caused by a need to sedate myself and feel in control of something, anything.
Where do I go from here? I think it's time to make a list of the reasons I binge and the things I could do instead of eat. That might be a good starting point, ya know, if I remember to refer to it.
Update 11/29/11: I ended up in full-on out-of-control binge mode thru Thanksgiving. It wasn't pretty. But Friday I pressed the rest button and am now 5 days binge free! Oh, and the list of non-eating things to do is complete.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Retail Therapy
The best kind.
I saved more than I spent.
And when you add it to the loot of clothes I brought home last week, I feel confident I have a good amount of flattering, appropriately sized clothes to last me the winter.
And I'm excited for spring, when I can renew that wardrobe with smaller clothes!
And I'm 5, almost 6, days binge free!
But, just one request to NY & Co. I used to love your jeans! I don't know when you decided women only want low-rise, but that's just not true. Frankly, they make my muffin top look like a dozen donuts. Get with the program and give me back my mid-rise jeans. Thanks.
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