Balance Evaluation, Day 3

And so it continues.  Another brief post today.  Maybe I'll get some time tonight to really write out what's on my mind.

Yesterday's Menu:
B - bagel with cream cheese, coffee
L - chili with whole wheat macaroni, apple
S - hot chocolate, 1 piece (crappy) chocolate with raspberry filling
D - spaghetti and meatballs, about 1/3 - 1/2 cup Ben & Jerry's Late Night Snack

Real vs Processed:  Most of what I had was pretty real, with a few indulgences, I'm going with a 3.

Emotional Eating: I did not eat emotionally!  I didn't even really eat impulsively.  (I almost got a milkshake on my way home, but when Boyfriend had Ben & Jerry's waiting, and a flavor he picked because he knew I liked it, I was glad I didn't overindulge for no reason earlier.)

Overall Balance: I'm going with a 4.  Real vs Processed was good.  No emotional/compulsive/impulsive eating.  I listened to hunger signals, and think I was even on the lower end of satisfied when I went to bed.  But, I pretty much only ate carbs and red meat all day, so there was no variety of foods, and the only veggies was the spinach in my chili.

Balance Seeking, Day 2

I was going to write something fairly in depth regarding the past year and the coming year, but it's not happening today.  But I have to keep up with the balance-seeking blogging, so here's what happened yesterday:

Menu:
B - 2/3(ish) cup fat free Fage with 1/2(ish) cup blackberries
L - chili with whole wheat macaroni, apple, 1 miniature 3 Muskateers, 1 piece of Bliss dark chocolate
S - Auntie Anne's cinnamon sugar pretzel
D - Wendy's - single hamburger, fries, diet coke, chocolate shake

Real vs. Processed - in # of meals, pretty balanced: 3; in volume of food, B&L were pretty light, so more of a 4

Emotional Eating - eh, not really.  The pretzel was more impulsive, and Wendy's was because I was on the road.  I could have made better choices, but the choice was fueled by emotions.

Overall Balance - 4 - too many processed food, not enough advance planning, could have made better choices and listened more closely to hunger signals

ISO Balance

It’s no secret I love my Weight Watchers message boards.  I’ve been posting on a thread aimed at setting goals since the summer.  The rule is this: You pick a goal, stick with it for 21 days in a row, and complete the cycle.  Then you choose a new goal (or the same one, or add on to your existing one), and start a new 21-day cycle.  

I rocked the first cycle.  The 2^nd I restarted several times.  I’ve now restarted the 3^rd cycle more times than I can count.   I’ve tried various goals, mostly focusing around staying on-plan (OP), but seem to be not following through on most of them.  Most recently, my goal was to follow the Simply Filling Technique (a twist on the typical WW Points strategy).  My reasoning behind this was that I wanted to eat more real foods, less processed foods, and focus on my hunger signals.  The results: I wasn’t really listening to hunger signals, and still eating things that were non-filling foods and going way over my Weekly Points Allowance. 

So last Tuesday, I checked in with the thread and said I wasn’t sure what my goal should be.  After a lot of back forth on that and other threads that day, I had an epiphany.  This is what I posted on one thread:

 I want to eat more "real" foods/less processed foods. I want to feel satisfied, not stuffed.

In other words, I’m looking for balance. I want to be able to eat what I want, but not go overboard.

So I decided my new 3^rd cycle goal is to evaluate each day’s balance, to really take a good look and do an honest self-evaluation of whether I was eating more because of emotions or if I was able to find balance in what and why I was eating that day.  I decided this blog was the perfect place for my evaluations.  And it only took me a week to get started. 

My plan is give my menu for the day and evaluate the following:

1. Did I eat more real foods than processed foods?  I will assign a grade for this: 1- all real foods, 2 – more real than processed, 3 – about equal, 4 – more processed than real, 5 – do you even know what food is?
2. Did I eat emotionally?
3.  How was the overall balance between what, why, and how I ate?  This is another grade one: on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being too restrictive, 3 being perfect harmony, and 5 being Return of the Binge Monster

And we’re going to start right now, evaluating yesterday.

Menu:

Breakfast – None. I got stuck on a 3.5 hour bus ride/4.5 hour commute to work and didn’t get to work til about 11:30.   Since I usually eat breakfast at work, that just didn’t happen.

Lunch – miso noodle soup, 9 Schezuan chicken dumplings, cherry Coke Zero

Random – 3 miniature chocolates, 1 fun size Milky Way

Dinner – 3 Stouffer’s French bread pizzas (1.5 White 5 Cheese , 1.5 Extra Cheese), ¾ of a long Bavarian cream donut, 1 Kit Kat bar, 1 package Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, skim milk

Real vs. Processed: Let’s give that one a big ol’ 5.  The soup and dumplings were from a local place and probably made with quality ingredients, but not entirely sure what went into them.  Everything else (except the milk) is clearly junk.

Emotional Eating: Yes and yes.  Poor me, I had such a rough commute, why did I ever think working NYC was a good idea? I’m way too tired to think about making food.  (Never mind there was homemade stuff in the freezer I could have heated as easily as the pizzas.) Yes, I ate emotionally.  And then I ate some more.  Because it was available and I didn’t care.  Then I suffered from some pretty bad acid reflux at 2:44 am and kept waking up all night afraid I was going to throw up in my sleep and die a miserable death by suffocating on my own vomit.  Why don’t I remember things like this before I overeat?

Overall Balance: Going with a 5 here, too.  I clearly overate and it was definitely emotional.  Although I was completely aware of what I was doing and probably could have stopped myself, I didn't.  I completely ignored hunger signals, to the point of making myself sick.  There was zero real food to balance all the junk.  At the very least, I can say at least I recognize what I was doing incorrectly and rectify it today.

Self-Trust

When I first started this blog, I was working my way through a book about ending overeating.  The second chapter discussed the Costs of Overeating.  One of the costs I wrote about was the lack of Self-Trust.  I just re-read my post, and I realized I can really add on to it.

It's not just about trusting that I'm eating the right things.  It's about trusting my feelings.  I know it sounds a little weird, so just hear me out, please.

Yesterday was Day 2 of no binging.  I had my day pretty well planned, but I was skeptical about dinner.  It was something that I had made previously and frozen, but the portions were small and I didn't know if it would satisfy.  I finished my dinner and immediately felt like I needed to eat more.  But I was completely conflicted.

Was I actually hungry?  Did I just feel like stuffing my face?  (The answer to that one is almost always yes, regardless of what else is actually going on.)  Did I just think I was still hungry because I had told myself my dinner was too small and wouldn't satisfy me?  Or maybe it was because I semi-burned my dinner in the microwave and it wasn't flavorful or texturally pleasing?

So many options, but only actual hunger would be a reason to eat more.  I was watching TV, so I told myself that if I was still hungry when the show was over, I would have some more food.  40 minutes later, the show was over, and I still felt hungry, so I ate.  But I wasn't starving, so I can't help but wonder if I actually needed to eat more.  Or if I could have stopped eating earlier, rather than eating everything I served to myself. 

One of the major costs of overeating is the distortion of hunger signals.  Or maybe it's more accurately a deafness to hunger signals?   I definitely have to find a way to tune back into what my body is telling me.  I guess I just have to start slowly.  And really, really pay attention.


In other news, thanks to this amazing site, I now what I pet baby pig.

I Want to Care

It pains me to admit this: I have fallen back into old ways.  It's weird how it sneaks up on you (or on me, at least).  It starts small and I don't even notice it, until one day I'm almost in tears while being completely ragey that the lady at Burger King messed up my order, and the next day I have to go back to get the right food, but to a different location, lest the first lady realize I'm a super secret compulsive binge eater.


That's right, I've said it.  I've fallen back into my secret, compulsive, binge eating ways.  The new culprit: Fast Food.  I've been getting some sort of fast food two to three times a week for the past month.  It's gross. But it's sooooo delicious.  And the more I have it, the more I crave it.

When I realized that, it was a lightbulb moment.  I'm a strong believer in the Law of Attraction.  You know, what you think about, you bring about.  The idea that the more you focus on something, the more of that something you bring into your life.

And as I was walking to Port Authority yesterday (I may or may not have been gobbling down a Mr. Softee cone at the time), I had this thought: What if you think about that a different way?  Apply it to your body.  If thinking about something manifests more of that in your life, would feeding your body something just make your body want that something even more?  Hmm... (I won't even go into the depths of the fact that I keep focusing on needing to lose weight, and so I'm probably just attracting more weight problems.)

With that premise, I eat some fried chicken and french fries, and I just want more.  It seems totally logical, because that's what's happening.  I find myself in this completely dysfunctional relationship with food, again.  Specifically with fast food, but this could also apply to candy, junk food, desserts, etc.  I was listening to one of my new favorite songs, One More Night by Maroon 5.  I'd kept listening and relating it to my friend's rocky relationship with his semi-ex-girlfriend.  But yesterday it clicked, that's the way I relate to food!  

But baby there you again, there you again making me love you
Yeah I stopped using my head, using my head let it all go
Got you stuck on my body, on my body like a tattoo
And now i'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid crawling back to you
So I cross my heart, and I hope to die, that I'll only stay with you one more night
And I know I said it a million times
But i'll only stay with you one more night

Trying to tell you no, but my body keeps on telling you yes
Trying to tell you stop, but your lipstick got me so out of breath
I'd be waking up, in the morning probably hating myself
And i'd be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell

I mean, maybe that part about the lipstick doesn't really apply, but as for the rest of it, it's spot on.

The thing is, I don't want to stop.  I mean, I don't want to suffer the consequences of continuing, but I don't really want to stop.  I semi-enjoy the food bender I've been on.  Why can't I just continue eating whatever I want?  Oh, because I don't want to gain any more weight.  I had maintained between 165-170 (which is still overweight on my 5'3" frame) for so long eating whatever I wanted that I thought it was my body's "happy weight" and I wouldn't gain any more.  And then I got to 185.  And 195.  And now I'm at 211.  Not coincidentally, this is the same weight as when I rejoined Weight Watchers in April.  I've been attending my meetings regularly, but I haven't been really following the program at all.  Of course not.  How can you stay within points when you're eating garbage all.the.time?

The fact that I don't want to stop scares the fuck out of me.  Seriously.  Because I don't want to gain any more weight.  I really don't.  Where would it even go??? 

 I guess it comes down to this: I just need to stop.  Stop making excuses.  Stop justifying.  Stop saying tomorrow. Stop stuffing my face with fried chicken, apple pie, and peanut butter Snickers.  And perhaps start going to OA again.  All I know is I can't keep doing what I am currently doing, because all it is bringing about is more problems.  It's time to focus on the solution.


And just for funsies, this is me this morning.  Weight: 211, BMI: 37.4   I guess we'll call this the new before picture. (Please excuse the messy, unmade bed in the background.)

I Am Naked

I'm naked.  I just bared it all.  Or so it feels, at least.  (Figuratively speaking, of course.  I'm at work and my clothes are fully in place, I promise.)

Anyway, since it's been a while, here's a brief update, before I share about absolute nakedness.  (And I keep saying "naked" because it's more fun than "vulnerable.")

I re-joined WW 13 weeks ago. I'm currently UP 6 lbs from when I rejoined.  Faboo!  I just can't get my head in the game on a consistent basis and I've been yo-yoing all over the place.

Because if I'm going to yo-yo, I might as well be badass about it.
Source: kirby.wikia.com

A few weeks after my WW re-debut, I made all these goals.  How am I doing with them?

• Beck Diet Solution - made it to Day 6 of 42.
• Lose 10 lbs in 6 weeks - gained 6 in 13.
• Complete C25K & Run The Color Run- ha, I never really made it past week 1, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about TCR

A few weeks after that, I fell off the face of the Earth.  Not really, obviously, but I've been wanting to write, have a couple of posts started, but could never find words. Here's what happened in a nutshell: During a conversation lovely fellow WW boardies about binge eating and compulsive eating, etc., I got fed up.  I visited OA.org, found there was a meeting in 10 min just a few blocks from my office, and I attended the meeting.  I felt like I definitely belonged there and I was finally going to deal with my issues.  Though I didn't say a word.  I admitted to my Mary Kay mentor that I was having these issues and finally addressed them and I thought it would help to deal with all the issues.  I'd magically no longer eat compulsively and be devoted and seriously dedicated to my business.

Not quite what happened.  I attended 2 more meetings in the next week, and then stopped.  Because I didn't feel like it.  But last week, I had a light bulb moment.  I was driving and chowing down on Cheez Its.  I pulled into my boyfriend's driveway and promptly stashed them in the backseat, lest he find out I was trying to eat a box of snack crackers right before we were to go out to dinner.  Well, that was a fail.  He smelled them immediately and tasted them on me when he kissed me.  (He thought they were Goldfish, but same thing really.)  Ate the box in 3 days.  I thought I could have a serving at a time, but I just kept shoving them in my mouth.  That's when I realized, "Ohhhhh!  THIS is what they mean by 'taking that first compulsive bite.'"  And I decided I should go back to meetings, but I'm waiting for the one I like on Friday.  Maybe I'll actually talk this time.

Now, here's the nakedness.  I had already told my boyfriend about OA and my binge eating, etc after my first meeting.  He had a very neutral response.  He didn't really get it, but I didn't really expect he would.  Other than my Mary Kay mentor and my boyfriend, I hadn't mentioned this to anyone.  I've held off on scheduling my physical, which I'm usually quite prompt with, because I dreaded going to my doctor and him seeing how much weight I gained.  But a recent swelling issue put me in his office last night.  He mentioned the rapid weight gain (I was 50-60 lbs lighter when I saw him last year), and I quickly started rambling.  I told him about the binge eating and that I'd joined OA and WW and was "working" on getting it off.  In the end, he addressed the issue for which I was there, and breezed over the weight since I "seemed to have that under control with the diet and WeightWatchers or whatver."  Phew!

But, in addressing the swelling issue, he decided to send me to the E.R. for an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any blood clots.  I called my mom on my way over, not because I wanted her there, but because she'd probably freak out if I didn't call her immediately and she found out later.  (Especially since her sister works at the hospital, was on duty when I was there, and I definitely contacted her.)  My mom's response falls somewhat into the category of I Told You So.  She basically revisited the conversation we had months ago where she tried to accuse my birth control of causing my weight gain (out of the blue, and quite a blow to my feelings, mind you), and then proceeded to project her medical history with birth control and blood clots onto me.  Naturally, I started spouting off and telling her (which I didn't when she brought up my weight months ago) that the weight gain was not caused by the change in birth control, but rather by my tendency to sit down on a regular basis and stuff my face with pizza and donuts to numb away the stress.  She actually seemed unfazed by this.  In fact, she tried to insist that it was still somehow related to the birth control.  Whatever.  The point is not how she reacted, but that I actually put that information out there to her.

And then today, I joined HealthyWage's 10% challenge.  I paid them $100, and challenged myself to lose 10% of my body weight in 6 months.  If I succeed, they will pay me $200.  Can't say there's anything wrong with that.  Especially since it averages out to less than 1 lb per week.  But, you get extra $$ if you refer people, so I shared it on Facebook for all the world (except my mother), to see.

I have bared myself in front of my doctor, my mother, and all my Facebook friends.  I feel... "naked."

C25K: Week 1, Day 1

I did it!

I've only been saying for, oh, forever that I was going to get up early and workout.  (Where early equals 5:15 am.)  And for, oh, forever, my morning has looked like this:

5:15 grumble as alarm goes off

5:20 cat's crying obnoxiously, get up and feed cats

5:22 climb back into bed and settle in for another hour of sleep, set new alarm for 6:30

6:30 phone alarm vibrates - hit snooze

6:40 snooze again

6:50 snooze "just one more time"

7:00 "Ugh, I'm so tired but I need to get ready for work!"

7:05-7:10 force self out of bed and into shower, end up late for work

Not anymore.  I started seeing a chiropractor about a week ago.  I've had only 3 adjustments so far, but immediately after my second, I noticed something that had previously seemed unfathomable: I woke up well-rested! Okay, so well-rested just once, that's fine.  But it continued.  It's now been 5 well-rested wake-ups in a row.  I'm utterly amazed.

And delighted, because it means when my alarm went off at 5:15 I was awake enough to actually stay out of bed.  So I completed Day 3 of The Beck Diet Solution and then I started Couch to 5K.  In case you're unfamiliar with C25K, the idea is to ease you into running by alternating walking and jogging, until you build up to the point where you can run for 30 minutes, or a 5K, straight.  I'm completely proud of myself for starting!  But I didn't quite fit in all the jogging.  My asthma started up a little bit (not awful, just a little wheezing) and I clearly didn't stretch enough.  I still did the jogging portions, just not necessarily for 1 full minute at a time, and I might have walked through some jogging sections all together.  But that's okay, I'll get there. Even if I need to repeat Week 1 next week.

Total time: 30 minutes

Distance: 1.78 miles

Pace: 16:39 min/mile

Calories burned: ~240 (I stated my HRM a little late)

Color Run, here I come!